5 Things To Consider Before Murdering Someone
I should be working on editing my application to the SFU Writer’s Studio right now, instead I opted to spend an inordinate amount of time crafting a response to my friend Sharon’s Facebook post – and more time still re-working it for my blog. Where better to show off how-to lists about murder than on a public blog?
My friend Sharon posted a link to an article entitled, 5 Ways To Stay Positive When Negative People Drain Your Energy on Facebook. Her accompanying comment was, “For those of you who aren’t ready to ask me to go buy the tarp and shovels yet.” Sharon is clearly a bad influence on me (or a positive one regarding murderous impulses), it’s one of the reasons I like her.
Usually I find these lists silly and full of clichéd advice, but this one gave me an idea for my own – rather than try to bliss myself out of wanting to throttle the negative twerps in my life, why not just dispose of them altogether? I meditated (no I didn’t) on the idea while listening to this:
And then I came up with the following:
1. The perfect murder is possible
Committing the perfect murder is no easy feat, but it is possible. We all know of murders that have never been solved, killers that were never caught, bodies that were never found, and cases with zero solid evidence; these are the ones you’ll want to study and emulate. The Internet is a treasure trove of murder know-how – put that Incognito Mode to good use!
2. Do your homework
Most people are creatures of habit. There are multiple times in a given day where it would be easy and even convenient to knock off your target. Be patient, study your target, take careful mental notes of their routines and habits. If you do, I promise you this: the perfect moment will present itself.
3. Tools of the trade
You can’t just bop someone over the head with the base of an unusual and distinctive lamp; you need to have the right tools. Keep the tools simple and common – something widely available at popular chain stores (Dollarama, Home Depot, etc.). Bring extra plastic sheeting, shovels, lime, and cleaning supplies – you always need more than you think you will. If you weren’t (or aren’t) a Boy Scout, keep their excellent motto in mind: Be Prepared!
4. Have a plan B
No matter how well you plan, something could go awry. Your target might switch jobs, coffee shops, gain/lose a significant other, or experience some other unexpected change that breaks their usual routine. It’s especially important to be adaptable to change, and to be able and ready to adjust your plan accordingly. A delay in your timeline is better than a botched murder!
5. Have a believable alibi
How well do you know your own life? What are your routines and daily habits? While it might sound incredibly cool, is it really plausible that you were in a nightclub in Berlin at the time of the murder? Probably not. Stick with something that could be true, something that is entirely usual and normal for you. Perhaps you were at home watching Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for the forty-seventh time, or having a nap. Keep it simple and well within the realm of possibility.
And there you have it, a useful and practical list of suggestions that could help improve the quality of your life when dealing with other people. I feel more positive already!
Credit: Image is a screen capture from ASDF Movie 5.